UNF Interview with Board President Mike Vatter
By Emily Cheyne
Applied Journalism
The first time I remember doing something weird was when I was around 8 years old. Anytime I left the house I watched the garage door go down because if I didn’t, I thought someone would run into my house and steal my belongings.
I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I am not alone; 1.2% of U.S. adults experience OCD each year, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) . Some of us double or triple check a door we have locked. Some of us wash our hands until they bleed. Some of us fear we will hurt ourselves or others in various ways.
Obsessive compulsive disorder is a mental health disorder that occurs when a person gets trapped in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions. “Obsessions are unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that trigger intensely distressing thoughts,” according to the International OCD Foundation. Compulsions are repetitive thoughts or behaviors used to try to make their obsessions go away. The exact cause of OCD is unknown, but researchers believe several parts of the brain are responsible and genetics are also thought to be connected, according to NAMI.
My obsessions consist mainly of the fear of making a mistake and my compulsions consist of checking and repeating actions. Compulsions I most commonly deal with currently have to do with reading and counting money. When reading a text message or a book, I often catch myself rereading what’s in front of me multiple times because I believe my brain is tricking me, and I have read it wrong. When it comes to counting money, I often have to recount two or three times until I feel I have counted it correctly.
I also find it very hard to deal with life changes. Break-ups or the ending of a friendship are already very hard things to go through. For me, such events send me into a spiral of not eating or sleeping, and just obsessing over what I might have done wrong, even if I wasn’t the one at fault. I will feel as if my life is ending until I am able to find ways to distract myself from the thoughts. Moving is another life change that I have a difficult time with. I work well with a routine because it makes me feel safe. When this routine is interrupted, it often sends me off track.
I deal with sensorimotor obsessions from time to time. This type of obsession involves a focus on automatic bodily processes, according to the International OCD Foundation. Breathing and blinking are very common examples of these obsessions. There have been a few instances in my life where when I was experiencing high levels of anxiety I would start to hyperfocus on my breathing. Breathing is an involuntary thing people do, meaning they do it without thinking about it. When I experienced these obsessions it felt like I was having to tell my mind and body it had to breathe. If I didn’t, my breathing would become short and even stop for a few seconds at a time. In order to stop this feeling I would try to find ways to distract myself from the thoughts but if it didn’t work, it often made me even more anxious, making it hard to breathe.
Throughout my life I have had obsessions and compulsions come and go. I have had times where I would have to check a door I had locked two or four times because my mind didn’t believe I had done it right. I don’t know why but I have always had an obsession with the numbers two and four. I will check that I have turned the stove off two or four times because if I don’t, my brain is going to tell me my house will burn down. During my sophomore year of college I had to take a statistics class that required us to use calculators very often. Every time I needed to solve an equation in a calculator, I would type it, erase it, and type it again. I did it every single time. Even during timed exams. I couldn’t stop myself from doing it because I would get so anxious if I just typed it once.
Mike Vatter, the president of OCD Jacksonville, is currently the sole moderator of an OCD support group. This support group has been around for 29 years, is peer led, and allows people to talk about their OCD experiences via Zoom. Vatter first joined the support group on recommendation from his therapist and has been a part of it for 10 years. “Like speaks to like,” said Vatter. “If you find someone who has the same disorder as you, you can feel like you’re not alone. That’s what support groups do.” Each week there is a core group of 5-10 people who join the session, but the email list for interest in the group is over 400, said Vatter. Some people will pop in every so often when they have a specific thing they need help with. Many want to be connected to the group but their fear is too great to reach out, he said. “It’s a disorder that feeds on fear, anxiety, and doubt,” said Vatter. The organization also offers group therapy for friends and family of OCD sufferers, and adolescents.
Druanna Kight is a student at the University of North Florida who also suffers from OCD. She first started noticing obsessions, compulsions, and intrusive thoughts in her early teenage years. Many of her obsessive thoughts include intrusions of loved ones being harmed or dying in awful ways or terrible things happening to a large group of people if she’s in a crowded place, she said.
OCD isn’t nearly as present in her current life as it was when she was younger, but she said her compulsions tend to come back when she is more anxious or stressed than usual. To deal with her OCD, she uses a combination of medication for anxiety, meditation, journaling, and limiting the amount of graphic material, like violence, she consumes. “I try to censor anything that can give my brain something awful to obsess over,” said Kight.
In the past, I have had bad experiences with therapists trying to treat my OCD. One time when I was talking about my compulsions and how they affected my life to a therapist, I was told I need to “chill out” and find ways to distract myself. It was the last time I met with that therapist. Therapists have to be specifically trained for OCD. They must be trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure and response prevention therapy, and if they aren’t, they will do more harm than good to an OCD patient, said Vatter.
I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 18 but I have been dealing with it most of my life; I just didn’t have a name for it. It’s something that affects me everyday but most people don’t know I have it. Although it causes me extreme stress and anxiety, it is easy for me to hide from others. I have tried medications in the past but the side effects I experienced were not worth it for me. When on medication I was so tired I felt like I was sleeping more than being awake. I have learned to stay away from situations or things I know will trigger my OCD. It seems to be worse when I am feeling anxious.
OCD is a complex mental illness and no two cases are the same. It varies from person to person and a lot is still unknown about it. There is not a cure for OCD. This is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. I will have to just continue to find ways to cope with my obsessions and compulsions depending on what they are at the time.